The 3 Most Insufferable LinkedIn Posts That Need To End Right Now
From old job love letters to here’s my gift hamper, the 3 type of LinkedIn posts that do my head in
I’ve mentioned here a few times that I proudly self-identify as a curmudgeon.
While the curmudgeons of this world tend to get lumped in with the misanthropes, as a non-misanthropic curmudgeon I would like to point out that there are several degrees of separation that divide between us and our humanity-hating cousins.
While misanthropes actively dislike humankind (as a whole), us curmudgeons merely find them periodically, or frequently, rather annoying. At least that’s my definition. And I’m sticking to it.
One of the most triggering online spaces to be a curmudgeon these days is the professional social network known as LinkedIn. The reason is simple. It’s so eminently annoying.
Like Reddit, my views towards LinkedIn have become more nuanced over the years. As a self-employed professional, I find it invaluable for connecting with clients past and present. Lots of great thinking and advice is shared there. But equally … there’s a whole tidal wave of virtue-signalling drivel.
Narrowing that tidal wave down to these three selections was no small feat. But the following are at least some of the posts I believe the network could happily survive without.
The Old Job Love Letter
LinkedIn has become crowded of late with posts from those leaving their jobs penning odes of appreciation to the former team they worked alongside.
Typically these will be include strategic mentions of accolades achieved while excelling in said job.
To butter up the former boss and demonstrate one’s irreproachably good character, the boss should also ideally be wholesomely praised. Lavish descriptions like “visionary” and “dynamic” can be added for extra effect.
These “I’m leaving” notes have traditionally been communicated in textual format. But recently video old job love letters have started cropping up. Get ready for the next iteration of this form of self-congratulatory corporate drivel.
A template is below for those who have the good fortune of not having yet happened upon this beast:
Dear network,
I’m so humbled to announce that my last day at X Corp was last [date].
Working alongside their talented team was truly the opportunity of a lifetime. Particularly [former boss]. Without this kind of supportive environment, there’s simply no way I could have led two subsidiaries to three years of successive quarter-on-quarter growth — all while volunteering in my local rescued animals shelter!
My next journey is at Y Corp beginning on [date 2] where I’ll be joining another [hyperbolic adjective] team of superstars. Can’t wait for the next stage!
Suggested response:
“If ya liked it so much, why did ya leave then?!”
The “Here’s My Gift Hamper” Move
This trend may be localized to where I’m based or it may be not.
Employers have become fond of sending their employees gift hampers around the holidays or at other significant moments during the calendar.
A typical hamper will include (perhaps) a bottle of wine, some peanuts, and a whole boat-load of swag.
As seen through my cynical eyes, the idea here is to hope that the recipients of said gift hampers will take to LinkedIn posting photos of the hamper for their disinterested network to ogle over.
Because who wouldn’t want to stare at the wine and peanuts that that guy you met at a conference five years ago is now evidently enjoying?
This will have two effects:
- It will encourage people to consider joining the company. Because who wouldn’t NOT want to change jobs for the prospect of receiving a smattering of nuts and a sip of Merlot on the company once a year?!
- It will make the company look magnanimous
The game is not over, however, until the gift hamper recipient reciprocates the peanuts with the desired shared photo on social media.
Those who want to play the game well should also make sure to tag the company and boss so that HR knows all about one’s loyalty.
The gluttons who mindlessly munch on their peanuts and wine without sharing the experience on LinkedIn will be slowly selected out of the organization for failing to achieve the requisite degree of “cultural fit.”
The Intern-Hirer
I’ll pause here to admit that I’ve run out of steam and exhausted myself with this outpouring of opprobrium which will make interacting on LinkedIn bearable for another six months or so.
And anyway, what kind of self-respecting writer would author a two-part listicle?! And which to include from the hundreds of other examples I could cite of annoying behavior on LinkedIn!? I’m too tired to triage annoyances right now.
I’ll conclude therefore with a brief mention drawn from a refresh of my LinkedIn feed.
The Intern-Hirer will seek to leverage their hiring of a past intern as proof of their magnanimous and wholesome nature.
A picture of a former intern will be blasted over one’s feed — ideally the intern will look somewhat disheveled and in need of a leg up in not only their career but also life itself.
Next to it will be the corporate photo of that intern today. Ideally sporting some job title that begins with VP. The VP’s teeth should be immaculately whitened. The suit pristinely pressed. Beaming a smile that communicates: “[poster] got me here!”
For his or her part, the Intern Hirer should make sure to subtly position him or herself so as to take credit for the intern’s subsequent success by affirming that he or she noted the spark of passion in the young intern’s eyes when nobody else did.
What great things did the intern go on to achieve?
How goodly is this network!
(In the interest of not further ruining my professional credibility I’ve refrained from sharing even redacted screenshots. But I can confirm that rumors that I carefully stash the most egregious examples in a private Google Photos folder are indeed true)
